As Good as Ours

I'm writing this tonight to communicate but more than that to remind myself that we're guided by God's hand even when you can't feel it.

Coleman has been notably better today, ate a big lunch and has been much more clear headed today. We are using the herbal equivalent to antibiotics and its feeling right. The irony of this is that our PCP is ready for a full MCV admission, tests and more tests which are sure to include an EMG and/or spinal tap and there we would be back in a teaching hospital with resident and resident sending Coleman back into orbit.

Because I feel that strep is a culprit, our PCP has agreed to do an in home blood test tomorrow. If this is not found, the hospital route is probably the next option. I don't think I can adequately describe how much this situation will plunge Coleman back into a scared state and truth be told, I am afraid that he will be evaluated and judged by what this illness has done to his brain instead of his body and that thought literally turns my stomach.

Tonight I feel outnumbered and cornered and tonight I realize that if God's hand has been in every turn so far, I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and have faith - the real kind. Heaven knows I have had my moments of wanting for and begging for hospitalization - 4 times, and now I feel like it's not the right card to play because I truly don't expect to find solid answers from those tests either. These bacteria hide themseleves so well and adequate testing is a tough call. This is witnessed by the negative Lyme's/Bartonella test I received today. I expected this because two Lyme experts told me there are so many strains of Bartonella that testing for them all would probably require a second mortgage.

It is our job to make some tough decisions and have faith.

Tonight I read: And how bold and free we then become in His presence freely asking according to His will, sure that He's listening. And if we're confident that He's listening, we know that what we've asked for is as good as ours.

Somebody please ask with me for some clear direction over the next three days. So Obliged.