Honestly

The post I just sent was written last night and I hadn't finished it when I went upstairs. Some days are really tough and I admit to being frustrated and then I feel so guilty because my son is so sick and truly can move very little.

I took my computer to bed with Coleman and me and decided to be very honest about how terrible this all is. I typed one line, "can I just cut the crap..." and my computer battery died. Clearly that wasn't meant to be.

Last night Jeff and I started to discuss some options with Coleman and he didn't take to them well and was scared and angry. These were moments of clarity for him and I don't go into things on the blog out of respect for Coleman but the best way to say this so you can all know what he's going through and how to remember him is that not only is he living with incredible pain all over his body, but he is confused, doesn't remember lots of things and simply isn't the boy that we have known for 11 years. He has no self worth and says things about himself that break my heart.

Last night I laid next to him and quietly prayed while I listened to him literally beg God for help. His repeated prayer is to just help his family, he didn't care if the pain had to double, just to help his family. He said he knew Jesus made the lame man walk and he would not turn his back on his faith, but he asked where Jesus was now.

Travel would be amazingly hard on Coleman right now, but if we need to, we will.

When Coleman asked me again last night where God was, I told him He was suffering right with us and I do believe that.